My parents separated when I was five years old. I then lived with my mother and saw my father on weekends, who brought me to church. When I was twelve their arguments started to get worse. They had screaming matches nearly every week when my dad came to pick me up. The arguments were always about me, being their only child, and it affected me a lot. It was the trigger, but not the sole reason, for my major depression. The months following were bad, I would get home from school and just lay on the floor crying every day for hours. I felt like neither of my parents wanted me, that I was an accident, that there was no point in living. However I tried to not have self-harming thoughts or take action on them, at first it was because I'd heard that "God is against suicide, whoever suicides goes to hell." This staved off any action I may have taken against myself at the time. About half a year later, when my depression was at its worst, my dad forced me to go to his Life Group.

Normally I would be willing to go just to get out of the house, that's how bad it was. He was particularly persistent though because "A lady who is good at listening to God is visiting." So I went. This lady went around to each person speaking words from God while I waited wondering if she would bother talking to a child. She came to me, laid a hand on me then looked confused and hesitant. She, in a very unsure tone, said "Uhhh, I don't know what this means but..." she then continued in her normal voice to say "You are not an accident, you are here for a reason." After that I no longer had major depression, just depression. I heard a bible verse that helped me through the next few years. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I still had depression but I no longer hated my existence.

When I was 18, I started living with other relatives and decided to get baptised, there was no actual reason why I decided to get baptised then but I felt the urge to finally take that step. After I was baptised I felt so euphoric, when the euphoria wore off a few days later I realised my depression was gone, completely gone. It was amazing, I hadn't even prayed for healing for it in years, I lived forgetting I had depression most of the time. I realised that God answered my prayers from years before and that it was because I had moved out of home, out of my situation, that it was probably the best time to be healed. A few months later I became completely independent, living in a share house, it was tough and still is but I know God loves me, cares for me and looks after me, that I'm never actually alone because He's always there. I think that if He hadn't healed me at my baptism I may have slipped back into major depression. But He did heal me and I've felt His support ever since.

Posted in July 2019

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