When Friendship Fails

Relationships can bring us great joy. They can also cause much distress when things get messy and start to fall apart.

What do we do when friends become enemies? How do we handle when relationships are tense and threatening to boil over (or maybe already have)? It could be with your best friend, spouse, family member, boss/colleague, pastor/leader, mentor/apprentice, ministry team member, LG member … who is it that you allowed in close, and then they hurt you? What do we do with that?

King David experienced this and wrote his prayer in a psalm. We’ll look at Psalm 55 in two portions

● vv.1-15, what’s going on? what’s the situation here and can you relate?

● vv.16-23, what do we do? how does God’s Word speak to us and direct us to respond?

Read Psalm 55:1-15. To note about vv.1-15

● Most commentators agree that this was during the events of 2 Samuel chs.15-17, which is the revolt of Absalom – one of David’s own sons, trying to force King David from the throne and steal the kingdom for himself. David has to flee Jerusalem, the city is in turmoil while Absalom publicly sleeps with David’s concubines.

● The key instigator, even advising Absalom to do such hideous deeds, is a man named Ahithophel. Who is Ahithophel?

○ He was David’s “companion,” “close friend,” someone David has worshipped God together with (Psalm 55:13-14

○ Once was David’s royal advisor, but in Absalom’s revolt, Ahithophel switched camps  (2 Samuel 15:12

○ It is Ahithophel, now Absalom’s counsellor, who tells Absalom, “Sleep with your father’s concubines whom he left to take care of the palace …” (2 Samuel 16:21-22)

Brief Discussion (part 1):  

1. Can you relate to David in this psalm?

2. Have you ever felt betrayed by someone you trusted?

3. How did it make you feel?

Psychologists tell us: when faced with a threat we tend to have one of two responses, fight or flight. Even David the psalmist felt the same

● Flight is in vv.6-8, “Oh, that I had wings of a dove! I would fly away … I would flee far away … far from the tempest and storm.”

● Fight is in v.9, “Lord, confuse the wicked, confound their words” or even stronger in v.15, “Let death take them.”

Brief Discussion (part 2):

1. When faced with tension or conflict in a relationship, do you tend to fight or flight?

2. What does ‘fight’ look like for you? And what does ‘flight’ look like for you?

3. Any other ways you deal with conflict? (Some psychologists also suggest ‘freeze’ or ‘fawn’.)

God’s answer in the Bible, in today’s Psalm tells us there is another way.

Read Psalm 55:16-23. To note about vv.16-23:

● Pray ceaselessly (v.17, “evening, morning, noon”)

● Trust that the Lord saves (v.16), hears (v.17), rescues (v.18); He will sustain (v.22)

● Ask for mercy and justice

○ In terms of mercy, “He will never let the righteous be shaken” (v.22)

○ In terms of justice, He is enthroned/unchanged, He will act against those who “have no fear of God” (v.19), “God will bring down the wicked” (v.23)

● In other words, God is for the righteous and against the wicked.

The question is: Who then is righteous, and who then is wicked?

Consider what happened to Ahithophel that turned him from best friend and royal advisor to David, into turncoat villain and backstabbing betrayer.

Read the following passages:

● 2 Samuel 15:12, “... Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s counsellor …”

● was a brilliant advisor … 2 Samuel 16:23, “Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all of Ahithophel’s advice.”

● 2 Samuel ch.23, we find a list of David’s mighty men, great military warriors; among them we find (v.34) “... Eliam son of Ahithophel the Gilonite” and (v.39) “Uriah the Hittite.”

● 2 Samuel ch.11

Putting all the pieces together, Bathsheba is the granddaughter of Ahithophel! And Uriah, whom David murdered, is Ahithophel’s grandson-in-law. When Ahithophel saw his opportunity, he took justice into his own hands.

So then neither David nor Ahithophel were righteous, in fact both were wicked! And so also with us: who can say that they are righteous? None of us. And who stands condemned as wicked because of their sin? All of us. The only way for anyone to be counted as righteous, is by trusting in Jesus’ blood to cleanse us from sin, and by putting on the righteousness of Christ that He offers to those who repent.

Read Romans 12:1-2, 9-21 cf. Matt 5:39; Luke 6:29

Main Discussion (part 3):

In relational conflict, the wisdom of the world says, ‘fight or flight’. But this Psalm and the example of Jesus tell us to do neither; rather to trust God to dispense mercy to the righteous, and justice to the wicked who have no fear of God in their heart.

1. In your case, who is righteous and who is wicked; not just in the instance of your particular dispute but in the context of your whole life before God?

2. How does Romans ch.12 challenge our natural human inclinations when people hurt us?

3. Would you be willing to pray for God’s mercy on your ‘enemy’ (as well as yourself); and for  God’s justice to be applied to you (as well as your opponent)?

4. What would it look for you to forgive as Christ forgave you (Eph 4:32), love as God loves (1 John 4:19-21), and serve the person who hurt you (Rom 12:20)?